Classroom for Sale

Dear Corporate America,

I think we can help each other.  See, I’m a teacher.  I’d say I’m overwhelmed with my professional responsibilities, but the honest truth is just that I’m a little lazy.  I’ve talked with teachers that stay at the school until midnight.  With no kids waiting for me at home, I could do that.

But I don’t want to.  I like seeing my wife for those twenty minutes before she runs off to her night job, so I go home.  And NHL12 just came out, so I’ve got lots of electronic hockey to play.  I love my job, but really doing an excellent job at it requires more time than I’m often willing.  Selfish?  Maybe.  Should I quit?  Not a chance.  I’m still twice as good as some of my peers.  It’s a sick sad world.

So here’s where you come in, Corporate America.  I need resources to be a better educator–mostly, I need a secretary.  I need a girl (or guy, I’m progressive) to handle all of the type-A paperwork and organization that I’m just no good at.  My lesson plans need to be submitted on time.  Parents need to be notified.  Students need to be reminded when their papers are due.  I’m no good at this stuff, so it needs to be outsourced.  This gives me more time to plan, provide quality feedback on student work, and pursue professional development on my own terms through new texts and online seminars.

What’s in it for you, Corporate America?  I’m so glad you asked.


Around 150 teenagers walk into my classroom every day.  150 relatively attentive youths with disposable incomes and impressionable mushy brains.  I’m talking about advertising, Corporate America.  Me and you joining forces to make kids smarter, but also want to buy more Doritos.

Just imagine the possibilities to integrate savvy edu-marketing (it’s a new term I’m playing around with) within our curriculum!  Whatever you’re selling, I can figure out a way to tastefully insert it into our lessons.


Ford has always been a trusted brand, but they’ve really outdone themselves with the all new Ford Focus, certainly the ________ of American automobile performance.

A. witticism     B. zenith     C. deference     D. enigma



Complete the sentence with the proper superlative:

Taco Bell’s new Slam Dunk $3 Quesa-dealio is the ________ snack for you and your bros!

(Answers will vary, but we’re looking for “meltiest”)



Shakespeare is easily the English language’s most prominent dramatist, but does he “know drama” as well as the TNT network.

Compare and contrast the instances of heroism on display in To Kill a Mockingbird with the heroism evident in TNT’s Franklin and Bash (pre-order season 1 on DVD now!)

Write a three-page paper discussing the tragic flaws of Odysseus, besides not loading his ships with Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink (“unleash the beast!”).


For the right price, I’ll even bend the facts to better serve both our interests.  Literary product placement!

  • Suddenly, Hamlet is using Shure brand microphones to put on his play.
  • Walter Mitty escapes his boring life by daydreaming about seeing Shrek 6.
  • Poe’s troubled narrator no longer feels “sorrow for the lost Lenore” but “sheer glee in the Apple Store.”
Let’s do this, Corporate America!  You need to get the economy rolling along.  I need a little help in the classroom.  I can’t possibly think of any better solution.



One response to “Classroom for Sale

  1. Harding for president 2012?

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